Keith visits each country with a celebrity companion in tow – usually a glamorous female, whom Keith invariably serenades with his personal catalogue of guilty-pleasure hits as part of his cool seduction scenario. Samia Smith came with me to Egypt, where I got piles, and that Jasmin Out-take from Red Hat and The East Enders Show came with me to Japan. Well I call her Jasmin but she is a bang tidy bird whatever her name is.
To celebrate his small-screen debut, we decided to invite Keith himself for lunch at the classy Soho eatery Club Bar And Dining – just the kind of trendy joint where he’d feel at home – along with his good friend, gorgeous comedienne Olivia Lee, whose own show Balls Of Steel has just started its third series on Channel 4. That is Yorkshire for well fit, as I think the chavs say. We went to the actual karaoke bar where they filmed Lost In Conjunction, and I serenaded her with Take That’s A Million Love Songs, which really got her going. Warm salad of Tiger Prawns, Spicy Chorizo and Chardonnay vinaigrette __BREAK6__ A delicious surf-and-turf style starter.
Keith, why didn’t you ask Olivia to go with you on your exotic travels? Keith, why didn’t you ask me to go with you on your travels? I think I turned Mel B on too, but she wouldn’t shut up about her husband. 4 pears 500ml red wine 200g sugar Cinnamon stick 1 star anise 4 scoops of vanilla ice cream 8 cinnamon biscuits 1) Peel the pears and place in a deep pot.
People went on about her revealing clothes on that show, but it would have been worse if she got her tuppence out, then they’d have something to moan about!
They were all just love-shocked, so some of them can’t remember the frolics we got up to. We made love, but we decided that I was too big for her, so we remained friends. Keith: Yeah, because I thought she was bang tidy, so I gave her a packet of Skips for free, and a frequent shopper card.
Olivia: By too big, he means he kept breaking the bed. I could tell she wanted me, because she came over all confused. I play the travel agent right at the beginning of the series, when Keith is sorting out his very brilliant world tour, and I suggest where he goes. I’m not really a travel agent, but Keith really is Keith Lemon, Businessman Of The Year 1993.
The kangaroo wrangler said they’re so placid that you can touch their tackle.
Well I touched its tallywacker and it set about me.